First, I want to encourage you that you are not alone. An estimated 54 million people have encountered a bully at work. Most incorrectly assume that you have to tolerate this type of environment. Second, make a choice to intentionally remain positive. I use the term intentional because it will require extra effort on your part. The saying, Birds of a feather flock together adequately applies here. After endless days and hours of being exposed to negativity and/or tyranny, you may find yourself repeating the behaviors of your peers. Never allow yourself to stoop down to the level of a bully. Lastly, decide to do something about it. Indecision is the number one precursor to feelings of hostility, inadequacy, depression and bitterness. Most of our anxiety can be traced back to feeling out of control or “victimized”. We churn the negatives thoughts and beliefs over and over in our mind. If you don’t get out of the “victim mentality” cycle you will become part of the problem. You will become toxic. You will end up bringing toxicity into your personal, into the lives of your children.

In order for the unwanted behavior to change, you have to confront the offending party. Confrontation will happen either directly or through the Human Resources department. This can be especially difficult if the person is your boss. There are several steps you must take when dealing with a hostile work environment. Document the behavior of the offending party. Write down dates, time and what was said. It will be very critical when you bring your complaint to your manager or the human resource office. Keep detailed notes for about two weeks which will show a pattern and not just one or two offenses. If it is your boss who is creating the hostile work environment, you will absolutely need to go to the HR department.

Finally, be prepared to move on. It may be absolutely necessary for you to find a new job. In some cases the new job may pay a lower salary but your well-being is worth more than money. Your health is your number one priority, especially if you are the sole support for your children. There will always, always, always be another job out there. But there can never be another YOU.

Signs of a Toxic Workplace

10 tips to deal with a toxic environment

Toxic Leadership

Laws about hostile environments

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

Interestingly enough, I have not witnessed either political party paying specific attention to the single parent demographic. I have seen the parties seem to woo the female vote, the gay vote and the Hispanic vote, but what about the single moms and single dads? The single parent faces unique issues that cannot be covered by focusing on gender or sexual orientation voter wooing.

What about the statistics? Single parent homes have a higher poverty rate than married families and they are also more likely to be without health insurance or be underinsured.

So, as a single parent, how should you vote? I am not going to tell you who to vote for or whether one party is better than the other. I will tell you to exercise your right to vote! In this great democratic nation of ours, many have died and made sacrifices to secure your right to vote. You, me, all of us owe that much to those who have died protecting our freedoms and rights. Now that you know I want you to vote, let’s talk about how to vote.

How to vote:

First, decide what issues are most important to you and your family. Is it jobs or the economy? How about gay marriage or do you believe marriage should be between one man and one woman? Is women’s health care a primary concern for you? Do you believe all children should have health insurance no matter what the cost? Next, which candidate, if voted into office is most likely to get those issues to pass? Do you want higher taxes for the “rich” or do you believe all should pay a fair share of higher taxes? Will this candidate get both Republicans and Democrats to cooperate and work together? Take the hot button issues and number them in order of importance. Doing this exercise will give you a much clearer picture of which candidate may be the right one for you and your family. Another good exercise is to call your local Democratic and Republican offices. Tell them you are a single parent and ask why you should vote for their candidate. I did – and the results were eye opening!!

In closing, a few things to remember: one issue should not be the THE ISSUE. There are a number of issues that impact the single parent family. Being for or against abortion, for example, should not be the deciding factor in when you cast your vote. Also keep in mind that you don’t have to vote for the party you are registered with. Lastly, vote for the candidate you believe in, not the one your mom, sister or even your pastor believes. Deciding who to vote for is important. But the most important decision you can make this November is the decision to vote! Those defending our freedom, past and present, are counting on you and your vote!

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

DIET

Many times we associate negative images with the word ‘diet’. In reality everyday you’re eating as part of your ‘diet’. Controlling what you include in your daily diet will determine your energy level and your overall feeling of well-being. Stay focused on the fact that it’s not a “boring diet” but part of your overall health goals. By staying focused on my health goals, I was able to connect with a particular plan. The 17-day diet was developed my physician, Dr. Mike Moreno. I have personally seen great results from this plan. But better than weight loss, I feel fantastic! I am eating foods that are good for me and seeing my waist line shrink.

EXERCISE

First and foremost, check with your physician before starting any type of fitness plan. Once you talk with your physician, conduct research. There are thousands of articles on exercise and the impact to the brain. Frequent exercise promotes mental and physical well-being. Endorphins are released when we exercise which means less stress and an elevated mood along with the benefits of losing weight. If you are like most people, you don’t like to exercise when you don’t feel good. Remember, endorphins help psychologically and take away feelings of depression or discouragement. If you have concerns about injury or stamina, start out by walking. Set a goal for yourself and maintain that walking time for at least one week. For me, I started out walking 20 minutes a day. Now, I walk 50 minutes at a time along with weekly trips to the gym for weight training and aerobic workouts.

Mental Health

I can’t stress enough the impact exercise and healthy eating will have on your psychological health. With more energy and a happier feeling, you can be an even better parent! When you feel good about yourself, your overall outlook will change. If you do face some struggles with motivation, use positive reinforcement to keep yourself going. Remember, if you don’t take care of yourself, it will be very difficult for you to take care of others.

Don’t Forget:

· Avoid negative self-talk.

· Stick with your dietary plan.

· Eat lots of green, leafy vegetables.

· Exercise in small increments.

· Exercise releases endorphins!

Helpful links:

http://www.the17daydiet.com/

http://www.helpguide.org/life/healthy_eating_diet.htm

Lifescript

http://www.livestrong.com/article/197569-seratonin-endorphins-exercise/

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

When life comes your way, are you constantly “reacting”? As a single mom I must admit that many times I was a “reactionary mom”. I ran from crisis to crisis. Sure it would have been ideal to “plan” my response to each unexpected incident my children encountered. Oh I had a plan. I would raise them right, feed them, say prayers before bed and ensure they did well in school. But as a single mom, I had a hard time just finding time to plan and be proactive. This became especially critical in the teen years. If I had not learned how to be a proactive parent, my influence would have been reduced to zero. One of the best decisions I ever made was to avoid the blame game and become an influential parent.

Before you become an influential parent, you must plan to be proactive. Proactive single parents choose their responses to life, they don’t find fault and blame others for their circumstances. Proactive parents don’t mope around having a pity party. This type of parent has positive internal dialogue such as I can be successful if I choose. I can learn something new or I can choose my response towards others.

Do you find yourself anticipating problems or blaming others? Are you still “reacting” to the past, to things you can do nothing about? Reactive single parents live in a state of flux and blame. They often feel they have no control over what happens. For reactive parents, you will often hear “I couldn’t because…” or “it’s my ex’s fault” or “They won’t let me”. Unfortunately, this type of thinking gives power away instead of harnessing, redirecting and empowering yourself.

How does a parent get out of the reactive parenting cycle? On purpose planning and on purpose change of internal dialogue. As you are planning your parenting choices, you will need to take a look at three phases.

Planning Phase:

In the planning phase, the single parent is thinking about the next day or week or the coming year. You are planning what you want to happen and how you respond to each event or stimuli and even those unexpected poor report cards. You are also directing your internal dialogue to a more positive station. On the positive station you will hear phrases such as “I will”, “I choose”, or “I can”. I choose to ensure my children are educated well. I will not blame teachers or exes or friends.

Execution Phase:

Execution Phase either involves total chaos or limited stress depending on how well you complete phase 1. It is during this phase that I am checking progress, watching my responses and ensuring that I am in-line with my planning outline. My planning outline is my bible during this phase.

Analysis Phase:

In the analysis phase, you are revisiting the event or events and scoring yourself on planning and execution. Because if something went terribly wrong, it means I did not complete phase 1 and 2 thoroughly. In this phase you are taking notes on what you did well and what needs to improve. Notice you first note what you did well. Harness your power and belief that there will be something successful out of each event, day, month that is part of your proactive planning.

To be sure, there will be mishaps. Mistakes will happen. The difference between a mistake and complete chaos is proper planning, positive dialogue and proficient execution. I CAN!

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

I know that being a single parent can be very overwhelming at times. I raised two girls who were 18 months apart. So there was a lot of sibling rivalry. I realize many parents may just want to come home from work, take a deep breath and sit down. But sitting on the couch is not going to boost your career or finances. It is also not going to make your future secure. Personally, when I was a teacher, I was also able to do some tutoring on the side. This paid well enough for the extra time. Even after I left teaching I was able to continue tutoring for some time.

Current job:

Take online seminars and read the latest book of your field. Online education is perfect for single parents. Taking the seminar from the comfort of your home around your schedule is the best option for moms. If you’re worried about paying for it then please see the information and guidance later in this article. Also make a point to ask your boss how you can be of more value to the organization. Whatever the answer, do everything in your power to make it happen. Additionally, look for a manager or co-worker to mentor you. Doing both of these will show your employer that you are serious about your job and becoming more valuable to your company.

Current Budget:

What does your current budget look like? If you don’t have a budget, please click on the links below for some great beginning spreadsheets. Take a look and review your budget, find an additional $20 or $25 a month. This may not seem like much but $20 times 12 months gives you $240. This is enough money to pay for webinar, subscribe to periodicals in your field or set aside for a college course. You should also look for other ways to cut from your discretionary funds and move those monies into your personnel growth plan.

Single parent budget worksheet

Live STRONG Budget

Biblical budget

Income:

“Where there is a will there is a way”. Do you really want a change in your life? If you are too busy making excuses then you won’t make any headway. Are you looking at craigslist or careerbuilder.com? What about online billing for doctor’s offices? How about starting to sell on EBAY? These are just a few ideas to get your mind thinking creatively. You may not have a second degree or the required education to tutor but there is some area that you can garner a second income. If you are still not convinced, conduct research online to find more ways to earn.

There are thousands of single moms who wish they had more income. Do something about yours today! If we spend our life assuming that things won’t change, we very often will get exactly what we expect.

Additional links:

Extra income

5 ways for moms to earn more

Earn money online

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

Is being a single parent too overwhelming? Are you an angry single mom? You used to be fun to be around. Your relaxed demeanor, huge smile and hearty laugh drew people. Now, your bitterness has taken over and you have only anger to offer. Your anger is also damaging to your children. You want your children to have better memories than mom demonstrating anger more often than joy.

How can you stop anger? Try focusing on the good. Does your ex call and send birthday cards? How about child support? If so, you are getting more than most.

Change your expectations

More often than not, people get upset because they have chained others to their own expectations. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have these expectations of others. This is especially critical if your ex has remarried or has a new relationship. When we place unreasonable expectations on others, we automatically set ourselves up for disappointment. It is unreasonable to demand that things be done ONLY your way when it comes to parenting.

Is visitation, custody or child support making you angry?

Take a moment and consider the child. What does your son/daughter feel? Are you angry because you think the other parent is not doing a good job and therefore should not have much visitation? If that is the case, try writing down an honest list of pros and cons about the other parents’ job as “parent”. You may find that your anger is misplaced or you have distorted anger.

Is your anger VALID?

I remember the years when my children would not receive a birthday card let alone a phone call. I would feel so angry that their biological dad would not call or write. The child support was a secondary issue. Although we struggled financially, it was much more painful to see my children be promised phone calls and birthday cards only to be let down. So, I had to make a choice, were the action of the other parent going to control me?

In my opinion, here are some valid reasons for being angry

· Disrespectful towards you

· Doesn’t call the kids

· Makes promises and doesn’t follow through

· Bad mouths you in front of the children

Reasons that are NOT valid:

· He/she is remarried

· He/she was a few days late with child support

· He/she has a new baby

· He/she forgets to call once or twice

Remember, being angry is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. We have a choice, we can choose anger or we can choose joy. What will you choose today?

Helpful links

Angry about custody issues?

Choose joy!

7 steps to release anger

Mental health

Managing anger

Do you allow your child to spend time with Dad? If not, do you have a valid reason? Unless the other parent is an alcoholic, drug addict, hangs out with felons or is completely irresponsible, there is no justification in creating friction. Remember, this is for the child! Your son or daughter needs love from both parents. You may not always agree with each other’s parenting style, but you can agree to respect one another.

Children need both parents in their lives. What happens when dad is absent? Does your former mate or partner want a healthy relationship with the child you share together? If so, by all means do everything in your power to help make it happen. There have been hundreds of studies outlining the benefits of having both parents actively involved in the child’s life. A child should be showered with love by both his mother and father.

Is your anger a problem?

Let it go! Your intimate relationship is now over. Remaining angry and bitter not only prevents you from moving on, it also makes you less attractive. Stop making your relationship with your ex about your history together. Because that’s exactly what it is – HISTORY. Your current relationship needs to revolve around the child or children. Moms have an incredible amount of influence in their home. Be sure to use that influence in a positive manner that helps instead of hurts.

Problem Solving:

Avoid Court! Work out the visitation, Skype calls, etc. – or the courts will do it for you. If you let the courts determine visitation, you both will be forced to abide by dates, times, etc.

Don’t forget to document communication. Email is the best option for communicating regarding visitation. This allows both parents to explain their visitation wishes and can help avoid hostile phone calls.

Communicating:

· Don’t bring up the past.

· Be civil and respectful

· Focus on facts and solutions.

· Remain emotionally detached.

· Avoid “advising” – it’s not your job to change the other parent.

Remember, when parents’ divorce or separate the children usually don’t get a vote in that choice. Don’t completely squash their feelings by not giving them a voice in seeing their other parent.

Helpful links

Responsible Co-Parenting

Children need Dads – UK Census Study

Successful Co-Parenting

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

Most parents want to help, that is natural. What is different for the single parent is the amount of resources. The single parent has only one parental resource. When you want to volunteer for the PTA meeting or to bake cupcakes for the class field trip, you don’t have a back-up if you are tired or burned out. What toll does this take on your children? Whether you realize it or not, how you react to volunteering will shape your child’s view on helping others. As the event approaches, what attitude do your children see in mom? Do they see mom happy and excited? Show your children the joy of helping others.

Before you say yes …

“For which of you, intending to build a tower, sits not down first, and counts the cost, whether he has enough to finish it?” Luke 14:28

I am an absolute advocate of helping others and giving to those in need. Before I can do that though, I must “count the cost”.

1. How will this help others?

2. Do I have the extra energy – emotional/physical?

3. Is this a short term or long term commitment?

4. Will I overextend myself?

According to the MacMillan Website, to overextend means to use more of something than is reasonable or sensible. Always saying “yes” is neither reasonable nor sensible. Most often you will end up angry, bitter and tired.

Boundaries

Do you find yourself saying “yes” far more often than you should? Do have you established boundaries? If not, get some – NOW. By identifying personal boundaries, you will ensure optimal results. You will find your experiences and tasks are much more enjoyable. Remember, when you say “no”, you are protecting your mental and physical health and by way of extension, the health of your children.

1. What’s my limit?

2. Practice, practice, practice

3. Unfortunately, I can’t.

Most of us inherently know what our limits are but we often ignore the warnings and plow ahead anyway. Why? Maybe you want everyone to be happy or maybe you are prone to feelings of guilt. Whatever the cause of ignoring your limits, stop it – now. Firmly yet politely make “NO” an increased part of your vocabulary. You should even practice saying “NO” in your mind, visualizing the words coming out of your month. Stand in front of a mirror and practice. This may seem silly to some, but you won’t accomplish what you don’t practice. Avoid saying “I’m sorry…” when declining a request as this implies you have done something wrong. It also communicates inwardly that you should feel guilty for some reason.

Overcommitted?

Have you overextended yourself?

· Feelings of fatigue?

· Are you more short-tempered?

· Dreading the event or deadline?

· Reduced productivity at work?

What single parents need most is a plan to ensure they don’t overcommit. It is very easy to find yourself in this position if you are constantly saying “yes” to every request. Keep a calendar close by and choose how many days of the month you will dedicate to volunteering. This can be two to four days of YOUR choice. Remember, this is your life, your schedule, your time. If an event comes up on a day that doesn’t fit with the calendar, remember the ‘Power of No’ begins with you.

You don’t “have to” volunteer … you “get to” volunteer. Changing your internal dialogue to a more positive view will increase your psychological band-with and enhance your volunteer experience. There will always be another chance to volunteer, you can count on it. The ‘Power of No’ will determine the quality of your volunteer experience and the quality of your life.

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

Key #1 Mental health

• Social
• Self-talk

There are many facets of a healthy mind. I identify two important concepts that will help many single parents: Isolation and Self-talk. Isolation quickly leads to depression, sedentary life style choices and in some cases, anger. In the Psychology Today article, “The Dangers of loneliness”, there are clearly explained ties to the deeper impact of Isolation. After affecting you mentally and emotionally, isolation begins to tear at your body physically. Avoid isolating yourself by going to church, community events, work events or even signing up for a craft class. You may feel apprehensive at first but the alternative is much more harmful to you and your children.

What about your personal “self-talk”? What does this dialogue look like? If your inner dialogue is filled with “can’t”, “won’t”, “not possible”, “loser” – don’t be surprised when your brain follows YOUR WORDS. Many of my readers are aware of numerous studies on self-talk. But what if negative self-talk has been your habit for years? How do you break it? Start with small steps of change. Instead of “can’t” try “I am” or “I will”. It is up to you to change your internal dialogue – YES, you can do it!

Key #2 Physical Health

• Gym
• Group activities

I recently took a Zumba class for the first time. Wow! I was so energized the night after and into the following day. I personally know how much of a positive impact exercise makes on my mental health (Key #1) and physical wellbeing.  When I bring up the gym to some single parents, the first reaction is “I don’t have the money.” I firmly believe where there is a will, there is a way. It may be true that you cannot afford membership to a high end gym. But the YMCA has very affordable memberships that include access to machines, classes and pools.

Group activities make the experience much more enjoyable. This can be as simple as meeting with friends or co-workers for a walk or having a weekend group of yoga enthusiasts. Group activities also help with accountability. When you have others depending on you or expecting you to show up, it’s more difficult to talk yourself (self-talk) out of going.

Key #3 Financial Health

• Retirement/401k/E-trade
• Part time work online
• Comparison shop

I used to believe I didn’t have ANY spare money for retirement or investing. But after years of reading, research and now investing our retirement funds, I realize that I really missed out on compound interest. If your company offers a 401k plan, join up! Even if you only contribute 2% you are still earning interest, rate of return and planning for retirement. If you don’t have a 401k plan at work, visit the sites below for other savings options. Finding part time or online work is not as elusive as in years past. I found a number of job opportunities through Facebook, Twitter and CareerBuilder that can be done from home. Your last step is comparison shopping. Some parents believe shopping at Goodwill stores is more budget conscious. This is sometimes true, but not always. I have found brand new quality jeans and shirts at Wal-Mart and Ross for about $1 more than Goodwill or thrift stores. In some cases, Goodwill is pricier. This does not mean I am an advocate of always buying new clothes. Gently used clothing that your child will soon grow out of is a great idea and a wise financial choice. But buying a new pair of jeans or a few shirts once a month will give a boost to your mental health (Key #1) as well as your child’s.

Finally, maintain consistency in your home.  Emotion upheaval will run rampant in your home when single parents are visibly stressed, worried or angry. When there is instability, kids worry. Whether we realize it or not, our kids believe parents are super-heroes.

Internet Resources
Group Support
Working from home – tips
Positive Self Talk
Mayo Clinic – self talk
Financial Planning – single parents
TD Ameritrade

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.

• Education
• Job Stability
• Healthcare
• Literacy

Education

We know that job prospects for an individual with only a high school diploma are very limited. It is critically important for a single parent to obtain higher education. The idea of going back to school may seem daunting. But pursuing a degree in a field you are interested in and which will increase your earning potential will pay off a lifetime of dividends. Along with providing more economic stability for your family, you are sending a strong message to your child: Education is not just for the parent.  As they watch you gain life and career skills, they are preparing to build a future of education and earning power for generations to come.  For those who may be concerned about cost, please see the financial aid and resource links at the end of my article.

Job Stability

Minimum wage or low wage jobs appear to be plentiful in our current economy. But, there are actually thousands of unemployed and/or undereducated people applying for these jobs. If you do not obtain a college degree, what separates you from the crowd? Suppose you obtain a bachelors’ degree in business. Then, you apply for that job at Starbucks or Target. Now that you have a degree, you have the education required to apply for that management position. After you obtain your college degree/degrees, you will see job stability improve in your life. A college degree is more likely to land you in a company with stability and strong benefits.

Healthcare

Right after financial concerns, adequate healthcare preoccupies the mind of the single parent. What if my kids lose coverage?  What if they don’t have adequate coverage? If you have secured a job with great health care benefits you may feel you can rest easier. For those parents who haven’t secured adequate health care benefits, there is a multitude of options available. I am including a few links in my article. Please research further options in your home state.

• Healthy families – California
• Healthcare – United States
• Medicaid for children

Literacy

This involves you, as the parent, making a conscious decision to be a life longer learner. Parents must be continually engaged in reading, learning and transferring these skills to your children. Constant growth and learning is necessary to stay informed, intelligent and academically agile. As you transfer your knowledge to your child and teach them to be life-long learners, you can help break the cycle of “perceived poverty”.

If you find yourself constantly worrying about money and providing financially, educate yourself in the area of the finance. Transfer this knowledge to your children. Train your children to read and learn about finances and saving.
In a previous article, I focused on how the absence of a father affects the development of children. I believe you will find this article helpful in becoming more aware of potential pitfalls your children face. Continually building your knowledge base will enhance your ability to strategically plan. Planning allows for prepared responses instead of reactive parenting or reactive decision making. When all of our decisions are “reactive”, life will be like swimming upstream against a raging current – exhaustive and discouraging.

Financial aid for college:
Grants for single moms
Financial aid for moms
Scholarships for single parents
Single parent aid

Article Written by Allison Jarman
Although recently married, Mrs. Jarman spent 17 years as single parent. She is the proud mother of two adult daughters. Mrs. Jarman was a classroom teacher in public schools and currently works in accounting and finance. She is a twice published author and weekly contributor for articles pertaining to single parents and families.